Everybody Goes To Jail
by Red Witch
Summary: What happens when the gang ends up in jail? MADNESS!


**That mooch Mortos Der Soulstealer stole the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Invader Zim characters. I may not have liked the episode but that did give me one crazy idea. AN IDEA FULL OF MADNESS! MUAH HA HA! **

**Everybody Goes To Jail**

"It wasn't me! It was that jerk Mortos that caused all the trouble!" Dib protested as the policeman dragged him along down the cell block.

"Shut up Crazy! And get in there!" He opened the door and threw Dib inside. "That'll teach you to be crazy!"

"Oomph!" Dib fell to the ground. He got up and put his hands on the bars. "I'M INNOCENT I TELL YOU! I WAS FRAMED! FRAMED!"

"I might have known you'd show up," A familiar angry voice said behind him. "Why am I not surprised to find **you** here?"

"Gaz? What are **you** doing in here?" Dib was stunned when he saw who was in the cell with him. "You never get caught!"

"I know. This is a shock for me too," Gaz sighed. "Believe me this wasn't **my** idea."

"Boy Dad is really gonna give it to us," Dib moaned.

"Uh I wouldn't worry about that too much," Gaz pointed to the next cell.

"LET ME OUT! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Professor Membrane was yelling as he rattled his cell doors. "I AM PROFESSOR MEMBRANE! I HAVE SCIENCE TO DO! SCIENCE!"  
"Dad?" Dib gasped. "You're here **too?**"

"In case you haven't figured it out, **he's** the reason I'm stuck here," Gaz snarled.

"Dib! Dib! Good! You're here to bail me out!" Membrane said excitedly. "You have to get me out! Science **needs** me!"

"Dad, he's in jail with us too," Gaz snapped. "The fact that he's on the **wrong side** of the bars should tip you off!"

"Oh…" Membrane blinked. "Son were you being crazy again?"

"It's not my fault. There was this guy…" Dib decided to chose his words carefully. "Said he was going to help me with something but he turned out to be a mooch and then this pet store owner said I was annoying his puppies and they…"

"Puppies? Oh I get it, you were trying to get some puppies to experiment on for some **real science** and those jerks at the Humane Society butted in, didn't they?" Membrane yelled. "Just like those do gooding fools to get in the way of **real science!"**

"Yeah close enough," Dib groaned. "So how did you two end up in jail?"

"It's a trumped up charge! Made up by small minded fools who's only goal in life is to stand in the way of progress and **science**!" Membrane yelled.

"Dad we were caught trying to irradiate some pandas at the zoo with illegal radioactive mutagenic serum," Gaz sighed. "Apparently the Chinese ambassador didn't take kindly to it."

"People's property my eye! Panda's are an endangered species! Odds are they might die out anyway unless mankind mutates them into powerful weapons of destruction!" Membrane snapped. "Some people just can't see the big picture."

"And how did **you **get involved?" Dib asked Gaz.

"Dad preyed on my one weakness," Gaz sighed.

"Pizza at Bloaty's if you helped him?" Dib asked.

"Two nights of pizza at Bloaty's," Gaz groaned. "And a video game of my choosing."

"Isn't that technically **two** weaknesses?" A familiar gravelly voice hissed from another cell.

"Miss Bitters? Why are **you** in jail?" Dib was surprised to see who it was.

"Well you know how they're always saying that city hall is cracking down on unpaid parking tickets?" Miss Bitters sighed. "They mean it."

"I didn't know you drove a car," Dib said.

"I don't. I was doing an errand for an acquaintance of mine," Miss Bitters sighed. "Apparently you **do** need a license to drive a hearse after all. Who knew?"

"Wow this is weird…" Dib blinked. "All of us being in jail at the same time. And Zim of course is roaming free."

"Uh I don't think so," Gaz noticed a commotion coming towards them.

"YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DO TO ZIM!" Zim yelled as he was shoved forward and then thrown into the same cell Gaz and Dib were in. "I did not step on any Jays let alone **walk** on them!"

"Just shut up," The cop grumbled and walked away.

"LET ME OUT! I HAVE SCIENCE TO DO!" Membrane yelled.

"YOU WILL RELEASE ZIM! RELEASE ZIM STINKING EARTH SMELL!" Zim rattled the bars.

"FORGET HIM! RELEASE ME!" Membrane yelled.

"QUIET! Man why do all the crazies come out all at once?" The cop grumbled as he walked away.

"LET ZIM OUT! ZIM MUST BE OUT!" Zim rattled the bars back and forth. "ZIIIIIIIIIIM!"

"So Zim, it seems that fate has…" Dib growled.

"ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM! FREE ZIIIIIIIIIIIIM!" Zim didn't notice Dib but was still shaking the bars.

"As I was saying…" Dib began.

"RELEASE ZIM!" Zim kept yelling. "RELEASE ZIM!"

"Zim they're not going to let you out just because you're…" Dib began.

"RELEASE ZIM!"

"Zim will you shut up and…" Dib was ticked off.

"RELEASE ZIM! ZIM MUST BE RELEASED!"

"Don't bother. You know he's going to do that for a while," Gaz told her brother. "Unless of course you do **this**." She then hit Zim hard on the head.

"OW!" Zim fell on the floor. "What hit Zim?"

He looked up to see Dib and Gaz glaring at him. "YOU!" He stood up and pointed to them. "How did you follow me in here!"

"We were here **before** you, you moron!" Gaz snapped. "Dib you really have to explain to me sometime why you think that this idiot is capable of taking over the planet!"

"I guess you were caught throwing those mutated rats in the wrong part of town huh?" Dib sneered.

"Mutated rats? You have mutated rats? Can I get some?" Membrane asked excitedly. "Come on! I could use a mutated rat or two! Those are really great! And they're fun to use in my scientific experiments!"

"Dad Zim was making mutant rats to **attack **people!" Dib yelled. "He mutated rats as an experiment to purposely see how much damage they could do! Those rats could hurt people! Cause untold damage and destruction! And I'm complaining about this to the wrong person aren't I?"

Membrane looked at Dib. "Son, if I didn't know better…Sometimes I'd swear we weren't related."

"Because I don't like torturing animals for science?" Dib asked.

"Yes. That," Membrane said.

"Well maybe I take after my mother like that?" Dib asked. "I mean I don't remember her or know anything about her…Huh. I wonder why that is?"

Gaz and Membrane gave each other a look. Dib didn't notice this but went on. "I mean, it's weird. My whole life I never really even thought about my mother or even seen a picture of her. Or any type of proof she actually exists. I wonder why that is?"

"Uhhh, yeah about that…" Membrane coughed. "There's a reason why you don't know anything about your mother. I suppose I should have told you this a long time ago but the truth is…"

Then he saw something in his cell. "Hey! Is that a rat! Goody! I can catch that rat and perform science in my cell! MUAH HA HA HA! Here rat! Come here Ratty! Come to Membrane and let me experiment on you! HA!" He jumped after it and chased it around his cell.

"Unbelievable…" Gaz groaned. "Even when we're locked up together Dad will find a way not to spend any time with us!"

"This night just sucks! And it's all the fault of…Never mind who's fault it is," Dib had a bolt of sanity that told him if he talked about demons from the netherworld no one would care and he might be in more trouble than he was now.

"You mean that big guy you were with who was supposed to help you but didn't?" Zim asked.

"Yes…" Dib groaned. "**That** guy."

"Here Ratty, Rat Rat, Ratty!" Membrane chased the rat around some more. "Come on! It's not like I'm going to eat you! Just play around with your vital organs a bit!"

"This guy's name wouldn't happen to be Mortos Der Soulstealer would it?" Miss Bitters asked.

"Yeah. How did you know?" Dib blinked.

"Because I went on a blind date with that mooch and he not only stiffed me with the check, he wouldn't put out!" Miss Bitters snarled.

"That's a lot more information than I wanted to know," Dib winced.

"Should have known better. Everyone knows the Der Soulstealer clan are the cheapest tightwads and biggest mooches in all of existence," Miss Bitters grumbled. "Why do you think so many members of that family are cursed and end up as zombies or monsters?"

"**That** information would have been helpful **before** I contacted that guy," Dib moaned.

"You have a point. I really should teach you kids about certain people you should stay away from," Miss Bitters said. "If only to make an easy lesson plan for me. And cut down on the lawsuits because of that creepy janitor the skool hired."

"The one with the hook for a hand or the one with the weird scar over his eye?" Gaz asked.

"The one that has that electronic monitoring device over his ankle," Miss Bitters said. "There's a reason he's the night janitor."

"Why is he the night janitor?" Zim didn't take the hint.

"Let's just say he has a rather unusual eating disorder and leave it at that," Miss Bitters explained. "An eating disorder that's frowned upon in today's society but would have been acceptable in the Donner Party."

"So what is it?" Zim asked. "Tell Zim!"

"He's a cannibal you moron! He eats people!" Gaz snapped.

"And that's a bad thing?" Zim asked.

"Yeah this night is just going to fly by…" Gaz groaned. She kicked Dib.

"OW! What was **that** for?" Dib asked.

"Because your stupid bad luck is rubbing off on me!" Gaz snarled.

"I dunno. From what I hear this is just karma finally catching up with you," Miss Bitters remarked.

"You wanna start something you old hag?" Gaz snarled as she made a fist.

"Bring it on, little girl!" Miss Bitters snarled. "It's a good thing you're behind bars now!"

"Why you gonna smother me with your old person smell?" Gaz snapped.

"Oh I can't wait until you get into my classroom when you move up a grade!" Miss Bitters snarled. "I'm going to enjoy breaking **your** spirit!"

"Why don't you try? I'm going to enjoy breaking **yours!**" Gaz yelled back.

"Gaz is that really a smart move making an enemy of a teacher a year before you go into her classroom?" Dib blinked.

"SHUT UP DIB!" Both Gaz and Bitters yelled. Then both went back to shouting and insulting each other.

"BRAT!"

"OLD COW!"

"SNOT NOSED ANKLE KICKER!"

"SMELLY OLD PUSS LICKER!"

"OW! OW! OW! THE RAT BIT ME! OW! IT BIT ME ON MY FINGER! AND I USE THAT FINGER FOR **SCIENCE!"** Membrane ran around.

"And people wonder **why** I act so crazy," Dib moaned.

"Yeah that does explain a lot," Zim remarked as he saw Membrane hop around and Gaz foaming at the mouth.

"Tell me about it!" Dib moaned as he and Zim sat together on a bench. "My family is filled with either science obsessed lunatics or angry pizza obsessed sociopaths."

"No wonder you're always at my house spying on me," Zim said. "And I thought I had problems taking over the Earth. But that's a cakewalk compared to living with your sister."

"You wanna know something Zim? Sometimes I don't really go spying on you just to stop you from doing what you do," Dib confessed. "Sometimes I go over there just to get out of the house."

"Really?" Zim asked.

"I just have to get away from Gaz sometimes…" Dib moaned. "Dad well…He's almost never around anyway. But Gaz…"

"Say no more," Zim said.

"I wasn't planning to," Dib said. "At least while Gaz is in earshot."

"I'd like to see you **try** to stop me from playing video games in class you ornery snake skinned crone!" Gaz was yelling at Bitters.

"I think she's a bit occupied right now," Zim blinked. "Oh this is so stupid! Tonight was a complete disaster!"

"What? Your mutant rat experiment didn't go as planned?" Dib asked sarcastically.

"Would have gotten better if someone didn't let loose a whole bunch of mutant cats on the city," Zim moaned. "Why couldn't I get my rats to shoot lasers out of their eyes?"

"Were these cats partially made of metal?" Dib asked.

"Yeah, how did you know?" Zim asked.

"I think my Dad had a hand in that," Dib moaned. "About a month ago I saw my Dad working on one of those things in his lab. Must have escaped."

"Come out here and **die** you stupid uncooperative rat!" Membrane was yelling as he peered through a small rat hole. "I swear if I had one of my amazing cyborg cat creations you would be toast! That is if I can find one of them since they all escaped!"

"That's what I thought," Dib said. "Hey wait a minute. Where's Gir?"

"Who knows? That stupid robot saw something across the street once some of the cyborg cats cornered some of the mutant rats and while I was chasing him these **filthy** human police captured me!" Zim grumbled. "He could be **anywhere** by now! And I have no idea where he is!"

"Did you try contacting him on your communicator?" Dib pointed to Zim's wrist where it was.

"Of course Zim…" Zim stopped.

"You didn't even think of that did you?" Dib rolled his eyes.

"Zim was getting around to it!" Zim snapped. "Zim was just distracted by your big head!"

"YEOW! HE DID IT AGAIN! STUPID RAT!" Membrane screamed as he held his finger.

"And your parental unit's screaming doesn't help either," Zim turned on his communicator. "Gir! Gir! Come in!"

"Hi Master!" Gir chirped cheerfully. "Make me a sandwich!"

"Gir! Where are you?" Zim snapped. "I need you to rescue me! I've been captured!"

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Gir said happily.

"No Gir. That is a **bad** thing! Just follow my homing signal and…Is that techno music in the background?" Zim snapped. "Gir are you at **another** dance party? Again?"

"WHOOO HOOO!" Gir squealed as he danced around.

"Gir! GIR! Just come and get me! That is an **order!**" Zim shouted.

"Yes Sir!" Gir said as he saluted. "Bye now! Ooh! I love this song!" The communicator went dead.

"I don't think he's coming," Dib remarked.

"I really should work on those upgrades for that robot," Zim moaned.

They sat there listening to the others argue and yell for a bit. Then Dib looked at Zim. "Dance party?"

"I don't know **how** he finds them or where he goes I just know that he goes out sometimes when my back is turned," Zim moaned. "This is so stupid! I knew the mutant rat idea wasn't that good!"

"Then why did you do it anyway?" Dib asked.

"Well I had to do **something!**" Zim asked. "Thanks to **you** most of my good plans for taking over the Earth have already been blown to pieces! Do you have any idea how much pressure I am under to complete my mission?"

"Not really."

"Well I'm under a **lot!"** Zim moaned. "It's not fair! I was the best student at the academy! I was in Operation Impending Doom One! But for some reason I'm behind! All the other invaders have either conquered their planets or blown them up! It's not fair! Why did **everyone else** get the **easy** planets and Zim gets the **hard **one!"

"What kind of planets?" Dib asked, interested.

"Like Invader El! The only thing living on her planet was stupid fluffy pink bunny creatures!" Zim threw up his hands. "Seriously? Pink bunny creatures!"

"That doesn't sound like much of a challenge," Dib said.

"Obviously! And Invader Flobee got a planet filled with rock monsters! Rock monsters? Everyone knows that rock monsters have the intelligence of a Vortian Flea! And just so you know, Vortian Fleas are really stupid!"

"I gathered that, yeah."

"All Flobee had to do was put a rock on his head and say he was the new leader and they just let him!" Zim threw up his hand. "And don't get me started on what a failure Gootch was at the academy! He only graduated because he got too big for his desk! And you know what planet he got? A planet made of pure crystals with no life forms on it!"

"That does sound kind of unfair when you think about it," Dib said.

"Exactly! Now Invader Krunk…Krunk was always a suck up!" Zim said. "So guess what planet he got? Planet Patootie. The planet of the one inch high, yellow bellied cowardly worm people! All he had to do was say 'Boo!' and he was in! I mean seriously?"

"Does sound like you got the short end of the stick when you put it that way," Dib blinked.

"I know! And Skoodge! Skoodge! That little nobody! He got the planet of the Slaughtering Rat People and…Oh wait. Okay, he got it rough. There's no denying it there. But that's only because the Tallest hate him and wanted to get him out of the way."

"Why do your leaders hate him?"

"Have you seen Skoodge? I know you have," Zim gave him a look. "It's because he's so short! And stupid! And gullible! Poor short, stupid, gullible Skoodge! The Tallest gave him a lame fake mission just to get rid of him but he's not even smart enough to take the hint!"

"That doesn't sound very nice," Dib said.

"Poor stupid, stupid Skoodge…" Zim chuckled as he shook his head. "I almost feel sorry for the little fellow. He's such an obvious failure and defect but he just can't see it. Can you imagine going to invade a planet that isn't even worth conquering? He just goes on causing trouble and babbling on and on like some babbling thing and not realizing that his entire mission is a **lie?** What a fool. Poor foolish little Skoodge who is not smart enough to know better because he is so short."

"Zim…Isn't Skoodge slightly taller than **you?**" Dib asked.

"You **lie!** Skoodge wears platforms that only makes him look taller than Zim!" Zim snarled.

"No I'm pretty sure those shoes he wears are pretty flat," Dib said.

"You lie! Skoodge is short and fat! He's so fat sometimes his PAK sinks into his back so you can't see it!" Zim hissed. "No, seriously. That's what happens sometimes."

"You know I wondered about that," Dib blinked. "I mean I've seen him without that thing on his back a couple of times. I just thought he didn't need it."

"Of _course_ he needs it. All Irkens need it," Zim said. "He's just so fat it sinks into his back and it looks like it's gone. But it's still there. It comes back out if you punch him in the stomach. So Dib Stink, Zim is not fatter than Skoodge."

"Yeah, but he is taller than you."

"YOU LIE!" Zim yelled as he tackled Dib. The two started rolling around on the cell floor fighting each other.

"DIE RATTY DIE!" Membrane roared at the rat hole in his cell. The rat jumped out and on top of him. "AAAH! GET OFF! GET OFF! RAT ATTACK! RAT ATTACK!"

"I'm going to break you into pieces you snot nosed stuck up brat!" Miss Bitters snarled.

"Go ahead and try you dried up old witch!" Gaz yelled.

"GET OFF ME ZIM! YOU ARE SHORTER THAN SKOODGE!" Dib yelled as they fought.

"LIAR! YOU LIE OUT OF YOUR ENORMOUS HEAD DIB SMELL!" Zim screamed.

"STOP MAKING FUN OF MY HEAD!" Dib yelled.

"NEVER!" Zim screamed.

"DON'T EAT MY FACE! DON'T EAT MY FACE! I NEED IT FOR SCIENCE! AAAAAAH!" Membrane yelled.

"I can't wait to bring you to your knees when you walk into my classroom next year!" Miss Bitters yelled.

"You'll be lucky you'll be able to walk at all by the time **I'm** through with you!" Gaz snarled.

"Bring it on little girl! I could use a challenge after putting up with your crazy brother!" Miss Bitters snapped.

"Seriously, this rat is really creeping me out!" Membrane yelled. "OW! It bit my ear!"

"Please! We both know the only reason you can handle Dib is because I've **already **got him trained!" Gaz snarled. "I broke him long before you entered the picture! And I'll break you too!"

"Dream on little girl!" Miss Bitters yelled.

"I'm your worst nightmare Doom Face!" Gaz shouted.

"YOU'RE ONLY MAKING FUN OF MY HEAD BECAUSE IT'S BIGGER THAN YOUR ENTIRE TINY BODY!" Dib yelled.

"Okay **that's** it! Now I'm gonna…" Zim yelled.

"SALTED NUTS!"

"Is that Gir?" Dib blinked as he and Zim stopped fighting.

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM**!

The next thing everyone knew was that the walls of the cells had been blown up. There was a huge hole in the kid's cell and all the cell doors had been blown wide open. There were nuts of all kinds everywhere. "Hiya Master!" Gir waved cheerfully in his dog costume. He was carrying some kind of weird container on his back with a hose. He picked up some nuts and started eating them.

"What the…Nuts?" Gaz picked one up.

"Your family certainly is," Miss Bitters picked herself up and brushed herself off.

"Gir! It's about time you got here!" Zim hissed. "And I see that my Nut Cannon, my latest brilliant invention works perfectly! Now we can escape this filthy prison!"

"Hey what's going on?" The cop ran in and saw the mess. "Holy Hannaberries! A jailbreak! Stop right…" The cop drew his gun. Gir shot out more nuts from his cannon. "AAAAAHHH!" The cop was half buried under nuts.

"SQUEEEEEEEEE!" The rat then jumped on the cop.

"AAAAH! IT'S BITING MY EAR! AAAAHHH!" The cop screamed. "YOU'RE ALL GOING TO GET THE BEATING OF YOUR LIFE ONCE I CALL FOR BACKUP!"

"Not if you don't remember it!" Membrane took out a small spray can from his pocket and sprayed both the cop and the rat. "This is my newest invention! Forget Me Now Spray! You won't remember anything that happened in the last twenty four hours!"

Both the cop's eyes and the squirrel's eyes widened. "Duhhhhhh…." The cop's jaw dropped and drool came out of it.

"Squeak?" The rat's jaw went slack as well.

"HA! Score one for **Science!**" Membrane laughed triumphantly. "I knew this spray would work! That's why I brought it with us in case we were capture! HA HA!"

"Then why the hell didn't you do that **before** we got arrested?" Gaz snapped.

"Uh…I forgot…" Membrane scratched his head. Gaz slapped her forehead.

"Just shut up and move it!" Miss Bitters shoved Membrane and they ran out the hole in the wall. Leaving the dazed cop petting the dazed rat behind.

Soon they were in an alley away from the police station. "I think we lost them," Dib said.

"How could we lose them when nobody was **following** us?" Gaz asked sarcastically.

"That's quite an interesting dog you have there Zim," Membrane said. "Say if you wouldn't mind me taking a look under his skin and checking out…"

"Down Dad! We've got enough problems with the ASPCA without you causing more!" Gaz snapped. "Remember your promise! What was it again?"

"No more experimenting with animals outside a laboratory," Membrane sighed. "Oh all right."

"That's it. I've had it. I'm going home now," Gaz said. "Dad. Dib. If either of you don't want to be locked out all night you'll join me. Hold on, let me add something to that. You'll get me some pizza then you can join me at home."

"Wait even so aren't we fugitives from the law now?" Dib realized.

"Not really. Dad knows people. I mean come on Dib look how many times he's bribed or bailed us out of stuff," Gaz said.

"Right. I'll just send a check along to local law enforcement and a large gift basket with some gold bars to the Chinese Embassy and this will be all forgotten," Membrane nodded.

"Fine. None of this ever happened," Miss Bitters said. "We will never speak of this night again and we will all forget about it."

A newspaper flew by. Gaz grabbed it. "Except for Dib who has been labeled crazy again for annoying puppies."

"I swear doesn't the newspaper have **anything else** to report on besides what I do?" Dib yelled.

Another newspaper hit him in the face. The headline read INSANE DIB GOES CRAZY AGAIN! "Apparently not…" Dib moaned.


End file.
